How to Handle Changes in an Aging Family Member During the Holidays
The holidays bring families together. Sometimes it’s the first time you’ve seen a parent, aunt, or grandparent in several months. While many gatherings feel joyful, you may also notice subtle changes that concern you. Maybe your loved one seems confused about dates, repeats questions, misplaces items, forgets recent events, or has difficulty managing mail or bills.
These changes can be unsettling — but the most important thing to remember is this: Do not change any of your loved one’s legal or financial arrangements if you have concerns about their mental capacity.
This includes not changing:
Their will
Their trust
Their power of attorney
Their beneficiary designations
Their deed or title ownership
Their bank accounts
Their investment setup
Even if your intentions are loving and protective — doing so at the wrong time can create huge legal problems later.
Why This Matters: Capacity Is Required for Legal Changes
A person must have legal capacity to:
Sign a new will
Amend a trust
Grant or revoke a power of attorney
Add or remove names from accounts
Transfer or gift property
If your loved one lacks capacity — even partially or intermittently — any changes could be invalidated later, or worse, may be viewed as undue influence or financial exploitation.
And importantly: Even using a power of attorney requires the original person to have had capacity at the time it was signed. If they didn’t — the document may not be enforceable.
The Law Prohibits Self-Dealing
If you are:
A power of attorney
A trustee
A conservator
Holding joint accounts
Managing finances informally
You cannot use their money or assets for your personal benefit, unless you are explicitly authorized to do so.
Self-dealing — even if you think it is fair or practical — can result in:
Civil liability
Personal repayment
Probate litigation
Criminal charges
Removal as fiduciary
You cannot “pay yourself” or redirect assets to yourself or your siblings unless the governing document specifically authorizes it.
What You CAN Do When You Have Concerns
If your instincts tell you something is wrong, here are appropriate steps:
✔️ Observe quietly
Keep notes (dates, behaviors, incidents).
Example: “Mom couldn’t recall whether she took medication this morning.”
✔️ Ask gentle, respectful questions
Not interrogations — just caring inquiry:
“Have you found it more challenging to manage the bills lately?”
✔️ Encourage medical evaluation
Frame it as supportive, not accusatory:
“Let’s have your doctor check that everything is okay.”
✔️ Make sure bills are being paid
You can help your loved one organize existing paperwork —
without changing ownership or authority.
✔️ Talk to an attorney
An attorney can explain whether guardianship or conservatorship may become necessary.
This is a legal protective process — not a punishment or a takeover.
What You Should NOT Do
If you notice diminished capacity:
✖️ Do NOT “fix” things yourself
Don’t add yourself to accounts, retitle property, or change legal documents.
✖️ Do NOT quietly start managing finances without authority
Even well-intentioned shortcuts create risk.
✖️ Do NOT pressure them to sign legal documents
If you’re worried they can’t understand them —that’s exactly when they should not be signing.
It’s Okay Not to Have All the Answers
Diminished capacity is stressful — for both the person experiencing it and the family around them. Many families don’t know what to do, or when to act, or even how to start the conversation. What matters most is that changes are handled carefully, respectfully, and lawfully — and that no one makes sudden shifts in assets or authority without proper legal guidance.
A Final Thought
Your responsibility as a family member or potential fiduciary is not to make changes, but to notice them. If something seems “off,” don’t rewrite history — gather information, seek medical insight, and get legal guidance before taking action.
If you have questions about capacity, protections for vulnerable adults, or what steps may be appropriate next, our office can provide guidance specific to Missouri and Kansas probate and fiduciary law.
Disclaimer: This post is for informational purposes only and should not be taken as legal advice. Consult a licensed attorney about your specific circumstances.